Jokes

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Comment by Gregory Nguyen on February 2, 2009 at 11:35pm

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

Comment by Marty Jackson on November 26, 2008 at 9:48am

(*Thats when the fight started@!)

When I got home last night my wife demanded I take her someplace expensive...
so I took her to a gas station...that's when the fight started.
*********************************************************
I tried talking my wife into buying a case of Milller for $15, but she bought a jar of cold cream for $8. I told her beer'd make her look better than cold cream...that's when the fight started.
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After retiring I went to the SS office to apply for SS. The woman behind the counter asked for my driver license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets & realized I left my wallet home. I told her I was sorry, but I had to go home & come back later.
She said 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I did, revealing curly silver hair.
She 'Silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' & processed my SS app.
When I got home I excitedly told my wife about it.
She said 'You should have dropped your pants. You may have got disability too!Then the fight started.
*************************
We were sitting at a table at my HS reunion. I kept staring at a drunk lady swigging her drink, sitting alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked 'Do you know her?'
'She's an old girlfriend. I understand she took up drinking after we split & hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' Who'd think a person could celebrate that long?'
Then the fight started.
*************************
I rearended a car...there we were along the road...& the other driver got out of his car slowly.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed that little things just seem funny? Well I couldn't believe it...he was a dwarf!
He stormed to my car, looked up at me & shouted 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
I looked down at him & said, 'Which one are you?'
That's how the fight started.
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. For some reason the waiter took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
That's how the fight started.

Comment by Karen (Myreholt) Shinn on November 26, 2008 at 5:42am

Acts 2:38
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins
may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Remember: Knowing
scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!

Comment by Gregory Nguyen on November 10, 2008 at 7:53pm

Q: What's the difference between a pigeon and a Wall Street banker?

A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Porsche.